10 Things I Learned In 10 Years of Having Sex

Hey y’all, it’s Nora Jo here, spilling the beans about her sex life in too much detail (as usual) 😜😜

This April marks my 10th anniversary of having sex, and this week I’m sharing the most valuable lessons from the bedroom that I’ve learned about sex over my decade of discovery. These sex tips are in no particular order and cover everything from my must-know sexual health tips to how your sexual confidence impacts sexual satisfaction, emotional connection, and intimacy building. They’re based on my experiences as a cisgender, pansexual woman from the age of 18 to 28, and I know that they may not apply to everyone, so take them with a grain of salt if need be.

Nobody will ever understand your body like you do, so it’s worth getting to know it.

The importance of self-love and understanding your body is paramount when it comes to sexual satisfaction. Masturbation (with or without adult toys) is one of the best ways for you to get in touch with yourself (no pun intended), and there are many solo sex benefits that you can carry with you into sexual exploration with a partner, or use to continue boosting your sexual confidence on your own. After all, if you don’t know what you like in bed, how will you be able to communicate your desires to someone else when they ask?

Side note: if the other person doesn’t ask how to please you or listen to you when you try to tell them, save yourself the disappointment and move on. Communicating desires is the best way to tell each other what you want and need in bed, and it’s crucial to successful intimacy building in all relationship dynamics, which in and of itself is crucial to sexual satisfaction.

Don’t be afraid to experiment with new things.

Whether it’s with a new sex position or sex toys, experimentation leads to perfection! Spicing up the bedroom is fantastic for enhancing erotic pleasure for singles and couples, and a great place to start is with toys. You don’t have to go for something with loads of features that may be beyond the scope of what you’re really looking for, especially if you’re a beginner. My first proper toy was a rabbit vibrator that I literally NEVER inserted into myself because I was terrified of how bulbous the shaft was, and in hindsight, it was probably too big to be in the ‘vibrators for beginners’ section of the adult shop I found it in. Instead, I used it just on my clitoris with only one of the two motors active at a time, meaning that I technically got twice the use time out of it since once one motor died, I could use the other one until that wore out too.

Once that vibe was finally laid to rest, I knew I wanted my next sex toy to be better-suited to how I wanted to experience sexual pleasure. The whole world of adult toys was open to me, and doing my own extensive research + talking to a salesperson at the sex store was a huge help in picking some of my favourite vibrators for beginners at the time. I decided to come back to the insertable rabbit vibrators later down the line and focus more on external clitoral stimulators, which I knew I would like. Fast-forward 5 years and I’m dishing the deets on how much I loved it for an adult pleasure company like Sexyland. Who’d have thunk?

If you've never tried it before, put a towel down.

This bedroom lesson speaks for itself, but if you need the TMI deets, I discovered I was a squirter at the same time a set of fresh sheets and the mattress they were on found out too. Even vanilla sex can be messy, and you never know what fluids are gonna come flying out of whose body and where, especially if you’re getting experimental and the new sensations take you by surprise. If you’re short on clean towels or want something more heavy-duty, consider a dedicated furniture protector like the Scandal® Super Sheet or a waterproof sex blanket like the Sportsheets® Pivot™ Protector (which I personally have and love because it looks and behaves just like a regular blanket)!

There is no shame in not wanting to have sex.

Too often in my past, it felt like as a human in her prime lovemaking years, there was pressure on me to always be up for sex if my partner was up for it, even if it wasn’t my partner who was pressuring me. But humans are fickle creatures, and sometimes we’re just not in the mood, which is not something anyone deserves to be shamed for. Asexual folks may not ever be interested in sex, and that’s cool too. As long as everybody communicates their desires and intentions clearly, neither wanting sex nor not wanting sex is something you need to justify yourself about.

Having no sex is better than having bad sex.

When horny thoughts strike, it can be tempting to let common sense take a backseat and give in to the temptation of potential sexual satisfaction. However, if you find yourself ignoring warning signs that you usually wouldn’t (more on that later), there’s a good chance the sex won’t satisfy you anyway, and you’re just going to end up feeling disappointed, and possibly even used afterwards. Learning how to say ‘thanks, but no thanks’ to offers that were almost certainly not worth accepting in the first place has saved me a lot of headache over the years. Don’t be afraid to be selective and you’ll enjoy a higher calibre of erotic encounters that are more likely to result in your sexual satisfaction!

Consent and comfort are non-negotiable.

Mutual respect, informed consent, and safe sex practices should be a top priority for everyone involved, and if someone acts like these things are a hassle, run for the hills because this is the REDDEST of flags! 🚩🚩

It may sound harsh but frankly, anybody who makes you feel like you’re being annoying for wanting to establish boundaries, confirm safety measures, or clarify what you’re consenting to is not worth being with in the first place. 

This can include (but is not limited to):

• Insisting on not having a safeword, discouraging use of a safeword, and/or not honouring a safeword when it’s used — safewords are an important safety measure to have in place during roleplay or BDSM scenes, especially if it involves feigned resistance like CNC (consensual non-consent) where the word ‘stop’ might just be part of the scene. Everyone has limits and it’s crucial to any sexual relationship to communicate these beforehand to ensure nobody gets pushed to a point where they can’t have a good time.
• Refusing to share recent STI test results and/or brushing off requests to get tested before playing together — it doesn’t matter if they’re hot. It doesn’t matter if you’ve known each other for a really long time. It doesn’t matter if they say they’re ‘clean’. If it’s not verifiable, it’s not happening, and it’s disrespectful to your partner not to care enough about their sexual health to want to put their mind at ease before play, even for short-term flings.
• Refusing to use a condom or other barrier method of contraception when asked to — this includes weaponising incompetence to try and circumvent a reasonable request to use one, or attempting to hide behind flimsy excuses. It took a couple of scares for me but eventually, I learned not to take anything other than ‘of course’ for an answer until updated STI test results had been confirmed and a conversation about fluid bonding had been had, if the relationship got to that point.

I know it can be nerve-wracking to be the one to bring all of this up (especially if you’re younger or inexperienced), but speaking from experience, the right partner will not resist having these conversations and will meet you with maturity, understanding, and compassion instead.

Setting the mood is always worth it, especially if it’s just for yourself.

It’s hard to get into the swing of things when you’re tense and the environment is just off, like if it’s messy or uncomfortable. Making your play area as enticing as possible is going to enhance your experience, and that’s just facts, whether you’re getting down to business with a partner or indulging in some much-needed me-time alone. Clean your room where necessary, light those scented candles, switch on a sexy jams playlist, and just ~vibe~ with yourself! Your mind, body, and soul will all thank you, and you’ll be in a much more relaxed, sensual mood, perfect for indulging in quality intimacy with a lover or on your own…

Sex doesn’t have to be perfect to be enjoyable.

Sex is rarely ever perfect. People get cramps at inopportune moments. There will always be awkward in-between angles when changing positions. Sometimes you’ll lose the progress you made towards orgasming and will have to start again. And that’s fine! Perfect sex is predictable sex, and the unpredictability is what makes sex so much fun, and so human. Laugh at the embarrassing noises your bodies make during sex, take water breaks, and just be in the moment rather than fretting about whether it’s all ‘perfect’.

Lubricant is your friend!

Let’s get rid of the discourse that says lubricant is uncool, or that hetero couples engaging in penetrative play ‘shouldn’t need’ lubricant if everyone is turned on enough. Lubricant’s whole purpose is to keep the fun flowing smoothly, not to make you or your partner question whether they’re into you based on whether their body is producing enough natural wetness on demand in a potentially nerve-wracking situation. There are way more factors at play than that anyway, such as substances like alcohol, medication, or hormonal changes that alter your body’s natural lubrication processes, or even just having a fan nearby that accelerates drying time of bodily fluids. Lubricant is also 100% necessary for any anal play since the anus does not naturally secrete its own lubrication like the vagina does, so don’t brush off this bedroom essential!

ALWAYS pee after sex.

(This advice is more relevant for people with vulvas since we have shorter urethral tracts than people with penises, but everyone can and should take it.)

Cuddling after sex is nice, but y’know what else is nice? Not spending the next few days glued to the toilet, waiting out the burning and praying desperately for relief that just won’t come. Peeing after sex won’t prevent pregnancy or STIs but it can help prevent UTIs (urinary tract infections), and that’s enough reason for me to put my afterglow second.

If you’re ever in need of tailored advice about how to spice up the bedroom and get more erotic pleasure out of time with yourself or a partner, the Fun Specialists at Sexyland are here for you, in Sexyland’s adult shops or online via Live Chat. From vibrators for beginners to couples' pleasure products, we’re always down to discuss how you can achieve the sexual satisfaction you deserve!