How to Have the Contraception Talk With Your Partner

Hey y’all, it’s Nora Jo here again, providing you a peek behind the scenes for all things sex and Sexyland! This week, I’m dishing the deets on my experiences with contraception options as a cisgender woman and providing some tips on talking about birth control with your partner, because The Birth Control Talk™ can and should be a partnered discussion. It doesn’t have to be awkward, but rather, a chance to have a heart-to-heart about sharing the responsibility for family planning and build a healthy relationship together.

The last time we spoke, I briefly touched on barrier contraception options like condoms and how they’re a part of comfort and consent before and during sex with anybody. As I mentioned in my 10 Things I Learned In 10 Years of Having Sex, I know firsthand that it can be nerve-wracking to be the one who brings up the birth control talk, especially if you’re younger or less sexually experienced. However, speaking from my own personal experiences with both short- and long-term partners, anyone worth being intimate with in the first place will meet you with maturity, understanding, and compassion to discuss your birth control options as a couple.

Understanding the Importance of Open Communication

First thing’s first: are you and your partner on the same page about wanting to get pregnant and have kids at all? If you aren’t, take a step back and have that conversation before talking about birth control with your partner.

The birth control talk is best held early into the relationship, ideally before sex even occurs (which also gives you the opportunity to discuss recent STI test results and whether you’re both comfortable being fluid-bonded), but I get it; sometimes that’s just not how the cookie crumbles.

Still, even if you do end up getting intimate before having the talk, it’s still important to have it eventually, and sooner rather than later. When you bring it up, ensure it’s in a relaxed environment without time constraints or emotional pressure from either side. Practise in the mirror or with a trusted friend beforehand if you’re nervous. It also helps to understand the root of what you want for your sexual health and how birth control can give that to you in case your partner needs more help understanding your concerns.

What should I do if my partner is resistant to discussing contraception?

If you find yourself with a partner who is resistant to discussing contraception, don’t lose hope. It may just be that they’ve never been involved with someone who cares this deeply about sexual health or family planning before and they’re not sure what to expect. Remind them that you want to have this conversation for both your sakes, and that you both deserve to be able to trust that the other person will listen to what you want on the matter. It might even make sex more enjoyable and intimate when you know you’re both on the same page about being protected from unexpected surprises!

If your partner makes you feel like you’re being annoying for bringing it up, or worse, acts as the whole topic is nothing more than a hassle that’s not worth their time and effort but is worth yours, don’t take this to mean that you are doing something wrong or being annoying, because you’re not. Ask them why they feel that way about the topic of birth control. Your partner may not be ready for a mature conversation like this, in which case, you should revisit the topic at another low-stress time when you both have the capacity to consider all your birth control options in a calm, considerate manner.

What cultural or religious considerations should I be aware of when discussing contraception with my partner?

If you’re concerned about cultural considerations or religious attitudes, there’s mostly good news on that front! Most religions allow contraceptive use, with some taking a pro-contraceptive approach and others allowing it under certain circumstances, and some don’t have any official stance on the matter at all, or at least don’t specifically prohibit it.

Hinduism has no official stance on birth control and it is not banned in the teachings. Some Hindu texts praise large families as fertility is a prized quality while others praise small families as Hinduism’s emphasis on developing a positive social conscience extends to the idea that family planning is a positive, ethical good. Fertility may be important, but producing more children than you or your environment can support is frowned upon.

Islam is strongly pro-family and regards children as a gift from God, though there is no single attitude to contraception within Islam, and it’s worth noting that 8 of the 9 classic schools of Islamic law permit birth control as long as the effects are not permanent (e.g. the withdrawal method of ‘azl is fine, but sterilisation is forbidden). In practice, most Muslim authorities permit contraception to preserve the health of the mother or the well-being of the family.

The more liberal schools of Christianity and Protestant faith leave the decision of family planning up to the couple’s individual desires and will generally allow preventative hormonal and barrier contraception methods, but not abortion.

Buddhism teachings support appropriate family planning when people feel it would be too much of a burden on themselves or their environment to have children, especially to avoid situations where abortion may be necessary. The Buddhist approach to abortion can be a little tricky as Buddhism considers abortion to be the taking of a human life, and taking life in any form is strongly discouraged. At its core however, Buddhism teaches its followers not to impose their views on others and to show loving, non-judgemental kindness and compassion for those facing difficult situations, including respecting a human being’s right and freedom to make their own choices.

The most strict religious considerations are probably those of the Catholic Church. In 1930, the Roman Catholic Church made its first definitive statement on birth control, calling it a ‘sin’ and opposing all artificial means of birth control, leaving abstinence as the only approved birth control method for devout couples. However, in 1951, the Church announced that they sanctioned the use of ‘the rhythm method’ as a form of natural birth control, which involves couples tracking the period-haver’s menstrual cycle and avoiding sex for the 8 days before their period as this is when they are ovulating and are at their most fertile.

Developing a Mutual Plan to Discuss Birth Control For Couples

When I first had sex at 18 and a half, my then-boyfriend and I were each other’s firsts, and I had heard horror stories of people my age or younger getting pregnant their first time. Without consulting my boyfriend, I preemptively decided that I wasn’t going to risk that and asked a doctor to insert a contraceptive implant into my arm. Even though I already knew my 19-year-old boyfriend would wholeheartedly approve since he also was NOT ready to have a baby, it was a conversation I should have had with him at the time, both to keep him in the loop and to let him know I was taking this seriously, and that he should too.

On the flip side, when I told my then boyfriend that I’d had the implant inserted, his nonchalant response heavily implied that he hadn’t even thought about birth control and was just expecting me to take care of it because “[he’s] the guy, what can [he] do about it anyway?”

10 years later, I know better than to not include a partner in the contraception conversation, even if I think they’ll agree with what I want anyway, and since I’ve been faithful to the implant ever since I first had it put in, the birth control talk is something I always bring up early into a new relationship. After all, nobody wants to be blindsided by conflicting views on contraception when things are getting steamy, or worse, in the event of a pregnancy you weren’t expecting.

I’m chalking up my own shortcomings from back then to being young, dumb, and not knowing any better, so I will extend my boyfriend of a decade ago the same courtesy. I would not put up with either person’s past actions if they happened again today though, so if you’re sexually active and still think birth control is not your concern but your partner’s (whether it’s expecting men to always carry condoms or expecting women to already have some form of birth control prepared without needing to consult you), come on, folks. We can all do better than that.

For a variety of societal reasons we don’t have time to get into in this article, heterosexual cisgender men are generally absolved of the expectation to participate in or even be aware of the process involved in getting on birth control, but let’s get real: it takes two to tango, and contraception is the responsibility of all parties involved in a sexual relationship, because it protects everyone from the risks of unplanned pregnancy.

In modern times, and especially since the widespread release of the first hormonal birth control option in 1960 (the female oral contraceptive pill), cisgender women in heterosexual relationships have most often been the ones burdened with:

• seeking out information about birth control options
• initiating conversations with partners about birth control
• sharing the information they discover about birth control with partners
• paying for birth control (whether it be for obtaining information, purchasing the contraceptive device, and/or having a medical professional apply/insert it)
• altering their behaviour and/or body to put the contraceptive measures in place (taking a pill every day, having an implant inserted into the arm, inserting and removing a diaphragm, etc.)

Being on birth control isn’t always pleasant, but it’s a necessary part of being responsibly sexually active. Both parties can contribute their fair share by providing a well-thought out opinion on what they believe is best for their sexual health and listening to each other without judgement. You can also discuss splitting the financial cost of birth control since both people benefit from it, and some of these options ain’t cheap (but hey, peace of mind rarely ever is).

Exploring Different Contraceptive Options

Once you’re at the stage of discussing your birth control options, it’s important to keep communication open and non-judgemental. This lets both people get comfortable and be honest about their desires and preferences. Do you want something that only needs to be implemented every time you have sex, or would you prefer something that’s more long-term (‘set and forget’)? Would you prefer a barrier method like condoms that may impact how sex feels, or something hormonal, which may have mental and physical side effects? Keep in mind that barrier methods will also prevent STI transmission whereas hormone-only methods will not, so if you’re skipping the barrier, stay on top of testing, especially when you introduce new play partners to the mix.

Diaphragms

A diaphragm is a non-hormonal barrier method of contraception, consisting of a small silicone cup that you physically insert into the vagina to cover the cervix (the part of the uterus that opens into the vagina) and prevent sperm from entering and fertilising an egg. In Australia, the one-size diaphragm does not require a prescription and is sold as Caya®, to be used with a special gel (Caya Gel®). It’s designed to be inserted up to 2 hours before having sex and needs to be left in for at least 6 hours after sex.

When used correctly, the diaphragm is 86% effective in people, and can be only 82% effective if not used correctly, if it moves out of place, or if it tears/has any holes in it.

The oral contraceptive pill

The pill contains 2 hormones (oestrogen and progestogen) to thicken the cervical mucus (to hinder sperm mobility inside the vagina and prevent ovulation (meaning the egg is not in the right spot for the sperm to fertilise anyway). You need a doctor’s prescription to get the pill, and you need to take the pill as a daily tablet, ideally at the same time every day so the hormone levels stay consistent in your body. Missing a pill or having vomiting/diarrhoea (not giving the pill enough time to absorb) may mean your pill won’t protect you from getting pregnant.

When taken properly, the pill is about 93% effective, and can also help control heavy periods and reduce period pain, as well as improve acne, endometriosis symptoms, polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS), premenstrual syndrome (PMS), and some symptoms of perimenopause. When you stop taking the pill, there may be a short delay before your cycle and fertility go back to normal, and since it’s a hormonal contraception method, there may be side effects like headaches, nausea, weight gain, mood changes, and less interest in having sex (gosh, irony is cruel).

The IUD (intrauterine device)

The IUD is a small T-shaped LARC (long-acting reversible contraception) device that is prescribed by and inserted into the uterus by a trained medical professional and can stay inside the user for up to 5 or up to 10 years, depending on which type they get get. In Australia, the 2 types of IUD you can get are the non-hormonal copper IUD and the hormonal IUD (sold as Mirena™ or Kyleena™, which is the lower-dose version of Mirena).

The copper IUD is wrapped with a fine wire of copper that slowly releases copper ions into the uterus and fallopian tubes, making them inhospitable to sperm so they are less likely to survive long enough to fertilise an egg. The copper IUD is also quite effective as an emergency contraception method if inserted within 120 hours (5 days) of having unprotected sex.

The hormonal IUD is made from plastic and slowly releases the progestogen hormone into your uterus to make it harder for the sperm to reach an egg, make it harder for an egg to survive, and preventing ovulation altogether in some users.

Both types of IUD are over 99% effective at preventing pregnancy.

The contraceptive implant

The prescription-only hormonal contraceptive implant is a flexible matchstick-sized rod that’s inserted into the arm via a small incision performed by a medical professional, with the help of an injection of local anaesthetic so you don’t feel the scalpel or the rod being placed. It’s another LARC option and uses the hormone progestogen to produce similar effects to the pill except instead of taking a tablet every day, the hormone is slowly released directly into the bloodstream for up to 3 years. Users will need to go through the same incision procedure again under anaesthetic to replace the implant when they need a new one, or remove it if they decide they don’t want to be on it anymore or are ready to try for a baby. However, once it’s out, fertility returns quite quickly (within the span of a month for most folks) and the scarring is extremely minimal (coming from someone who’s had their arm cut open for this 3 times so far and intends to keep going back for more). The implant is over 99% effective, making it one of the most effective birth control methods available.

This is the option I went straight for when I was deciding what long-term contraception I should use (in conjunction with condoms) because I didn’t want anything not designed for penetrative pleasure inside my vagina if I could avoid it, and I suck at remembering to take medication every day. I am extremely lucky that all of my side effects were the good ones (it’s why I’ve stuck with the implant for so long). My skin was already well-behaved and stayed that way, and I didn’t notice any changes to my weight. My irregular but HEAVY periods pretty much stopped altogether (I’ve had maybe 3 periods in the 10 years I’ve been on the implant so far?), and my subpar mental health didn’t deteriorate further, so we’ll take the wins where we can 👉😎👉

A friend of mine wasn’t so lucky though. She had to get her implant removed after just 3 weeks because the mood swings were unbearable, and it’s a good thing she did. Contraception is not a one-size-fits-all. If you experience severe, unwanted side effects with any contraception, you can always stop taking it and consult your doctor about what the best birth control options are for you.

Condoms

Condoms are a popular non-hormonal and non-invasive contraceptive method that have been around for the longest time (potentially around 5,000 years, and officially since 3000 BC). They’re also the only type of contraception that will protect you both from unplanned pregnancy and STIs, so they’re a great option for couples at any stage of their relationship. When applied properly, they’re 98% effective, and they can also be used on an as-necessary basis.

Since this is the only option on this list that requires initiative/input from both partners rather than just one, it’s also worth noting the concerns people have about using condoms, along with some handy responses to address said concerns:

• Allergic to latex? Not to worry! Latex-free condoms have been around for a long time and are available in all the same places as latex condoms.
• Don’t have any condoms on you? Every supermarket, pharmacy, convenience store, and 24/7 petrol station stocks them, meaning there are pretty much always condoms for sale within walking distance (or if you’ve got a hunch you’ll be getting lucky ahead of time, you can always order condoms with Sexyland’s 2hr Delivery service). How convenient!
• Condoms don’t fit the penis in question? It’s a shame that you haven’t found the right condom size to enjoy safe sex up until now! Condom size matters because condoms that are too small are more likely to tear, which increases the chances of contracting an STI or accidentally impregnating your partner, while condoms that are too big are prone to slipping off and expose you to the same risks.
  
  But fret not! The right condom size is out there for you, and it’s not hard to find it — Healthline even made their own handy condom size chart to help out. Condom manufacturers are pretty on top of making condoms in a range of sizes (tight-fit, standard-fit, and larger-fit) because not only do well-fitting condoms protect you and your partner the way they’re intended to, they also make sex more enjoyable!
• Aren’t able to have kids for whatever reason? Even skin-to-skin contact can still transmit certain STIs like herpes, human papillomavirus (HPV), and syphilis.
• Didn't use condoms with previous partners? Good for you, but everyone is their own person with their own preferences, and sometimes that includes not wanting to have barrier-free sex.
• Just don’t like the way condoms feel? An unplanned pregnancy you’re not ready for and/or an STI is gonna feel a whole lot worse 🙅🙅

This isn’t even the full list of reasons people have given me in the last 10 years to try and get out of using condoms, and I’m sure there are plenty more out there, but y’know what? The right person isn’t going to make you feel like an inconvenience for caring about your sexual health (and theirs).