Tips & Tricks to Polyamory + Threesome Dynamics

Hey y’all, Nora Jo here again to level with you about polyamorous relationships and threesomes. There’s a lot of common misconceptions about both, but it’s okay if you’ve ever been or still are under the impression that they’re not misconceptions — everybody has to start somewhere, and learning on your journey is all part of the ethical non-monogamy process! 💕 

Full disclosure: I am not a relationship therapist (despite what my friends may think after a cheeky wine or 10), nor am I saying that polyamory is better than monogamy, or that I am necessarily the polyamorist everyone should be aiming to emulate. I’m just a gal with multiple partners, sharing what works for me.

Different types of ethical non-monogamy — what is the difference between polyamory & an open relationship?

While open and poly relationships are both examples of ethically non-monogamous (ENM) relationships and share some similar characteristics, they have quite different levels of commitment expected in them. A popular interpretation within the ENM community of what the difference is between open and polyamorous dynamics is that an open relationship involves one or both partners desiring sexual/physical relationships without emotional commitment outside of each other while polyamory is about desiring intimate, loving relationships with multiple people, which implies emotional investment. The desires in both open and poly relationships can be pursued by the individual or with both people together, such as in the case of couples looking for a third person to have a threesome with.

On the note of threesomes, it’s a common misconception that people in open or polyamorous relationships are constantly having them. While some open/poly couples and throuples (AKA ‘triads’) are certainly engaging in them more often than the rest of us, there are also plenty of solo polyamorists who keep their relationships separate from each other (while still being fully upfront about the existences of these relationships) and don’t combine them to the point of being able to have a threesome. 

Another pitfall of threesomes that people often don’t know about or consider is something known as ‘unicorn hunting’. Unicorn hunting refers to the context of a couple (often a cisgender, hetero-normative pairing of a bisexual/pansexual female with a straight male partner) seeking a third person (often a bisexual woman) to spice up their sex life or romance. However, unicorn hunting is generally considered problematic in the ENM and queer communities as couples who haven’t done their due diligence in the leadup to searching for a third can display behaviour or attitudes that dehumanises the third person, treating them like a novelty or sex object rather than an equal partner with their own autonomy and needs. It’s important for all three people to be upfront about expectations, desires, and boundaries before anyone gets down to the horizontal hokey-pokey, and ensure consent and respect are the main pillars supporting your encounters together, whether they’re purely casual or more serious.

If you’re not ready for the emotional investment of a triad but are curious about the sensations of a threesome, there are plenty of adult toys that can help you experience them without the need for an extra person! Things like double-penetration sex toys or toys based on real people (like this Fleshlight® Quickshot™ masturbator moulded from Riley Reid’s body) can provide threesome thrills without a third.

The importance of communication & trust in ENM relationships

The secret to making either dynamic work may sound like the same old boring copout answer that anyone who’s ever given anything even remotely resembling relationship advice sprinkles over their piece, but I’m afraid it’s true. The secret to making ENM relationships work really is clear, honest communication, mutually agreed-upon boundaries, and most importantly, consent, consent, consent. I’d also highly encourage being as specific as you can, potential embarrassment be damned. It's much better to talk things through in advance rather than risk hurting or disappointing a partner when it could have been avoided by closing all the ‘wiggle room’ in your respective definitions of your arrangement.

For example, let’s look at a couple made up of Person A and Person B who have decided to open their relationship. Here are some boundaries they might like to consider, discuss, and establish before moving forward:

• Will you be exploring other partners together or apart from each other as individuals? If you’re exploring together, what are the key characteristics the other person should have in order to complement both people?
  
  For example, A and B may enjoy a submissive/Dominant dynamic in the bedroom and be seeking another partner who is also submissive so they can use fun things like this two-person double ball gag.
  
  
• Is there anything that’s strictly out-of-bounds if it’s with anyone other than A/B? This could be emotional acts like physical acts like taking Person C to a place that’s emotionally significant to A and/or B, or physical ones such as condomless sex. For more tips on safe sex practices in non-monogamous dynamics, check out our article on Ethical Non-Monogamy & Sexual Health!
  
  
• Is there anyone who is off-limits? If yes, who and why? Are they completely forbidden in terms of both hooking up with or seriously dating them, or just seriously dating? Will you be considering people who are already partnered in their own ENM arrangements, or single people only?
  
  Both people should express where their line in the sand is — some couples say strangers are fair game but not anyone from each other’s life (friends, family, coworkers, etc.) while others prefer only dating from the pool of people they already know and trust.
  
  
• Will you be telling each other about your extracurricular activities with other people? If yes, how much detail do you want the other person to give you in order for both of you to feel comfortable with the arrangement?
  
  
• In the event that feelings develop in another pairing (let’s say A and C), either on A’s side or C’s, how will you proceed?
  
  
• If expanding the relationship is on the table, is there a limit to how many people can be added to A and B’s original dynamic? If yes, how will you take partners’ partners into consideration (e.g. C’s other partner, D)?
  
  
• Is there a hierarchical structure or ‘pecking order’? If A is dating both B and C, does A want to treat both relationships as having equal importance, or is one above the other?
  
  While the answer to this question would be obvious in an open relationship, it’s worth mentioning that hierarchical polyamory is something of a hot-button topic within the ENM community. Many members have no problem with the dynamics of having a primary/secondary/tertiary partner while plenty of other poly folks don’t agree with ‘ranking’ relationships as being an ethical way to love others. Polyamory is naturally a very diverse style of expressing love and affection, so everyone will have their own opinion. It’s up to you and your partner to let each other know exactly where you stand on the matter so that no boundaries are crossed.
  
  And speaking of avoiding crossing boundaries…
  

How to navigate feelings of jealousy & insecurity in polyamorous relationships

A common response I get when I tell people I’m polyamorous is “Don’t you get jealous?” or “I could never do that, I’d get too jealous”, and that’s valid. Everyone is entitled to explore the relationship dynamic they feel most comfortable and secure in. For me personally, I don’t get jealous or insecure over a partner of mine potentially being physically and/or emotionally intimate with others for the following reason:

Whatever my partner gets up to without me, they still choose me at the end of the day.

Maybe I’m in the minority here, but I’ve personally always found that there’s a lot of security in knowing a partner of mine could, with my permission, do whatever they wanted with anybody they wanted (who would have them in return), and even after all that, they would still want to be in and maintain a secure, loving relationship with me.

But that’s just how I dealt with the initial personal roadblock that stops a lot of people from considering or trying polyamory, the “would I personally be able to handle this?” question of it all. The next collection of jealous/insecure feelings to consider are your partner’s. If you’re currently in a non-polyamorous relationship but are thinking about giving poly a chance, ask your partner questions like: 

“Would you be able to handle us opening up our relationship further? Why or why not?”

Alternatively, you can also ask something along the lines of:

“What degree of relationship openness would you be most happy and comfortable with?”

Your partner’s answers to these questions, along with your own, will help you gauge how the two of you feel about where your relationship is currently at and what new direction or shape you’d both like the relationship to take on, whether it stays the same, or progresses to an open or polyamorous dynamic.

Wishing the best of luck to every explorer,

NJ