It's Knot That Complicated — A Beginner's Guide To BDSM

With BDSM becoming more mainstream thanks to popular media exposure, it’s no wonder that people are curious about BDSM. Sexyland has always been an advocate for exploring one’s pleasure in whatever form it may take on and we're here to help you fulfil your desires in a safe, responsible, and consensual way.

For a safe and exciting experience, here is everything you need to know in Sexyland’s beginner’s guide to exploring BDSM for the first time.

What is BDSM?

BDSM is an umbrella term that refers to a spectrum of sexual behaviours and preferences that can be divided into three main groups, which we’ll cover later in this piece. There’s a lot of crossover between categories, but generally, BDSM centres around a consensual power exchange within an intimate context, though BDSM doesn’t have to necessarily involve sex — the mental stimulation of some acts can be the part that turns people on, such as roleplaying for fantasy fulfilment, or the liberating feeling of ‘surrender’ that one can experience through bondage (the act of being tied up or restrained).

Why do people like BDSM?

Just like sex toys, lingerie, food, and dirty talk, adding BDSM to sex is a fun way to spice things up behind closed doors! Like anything in life, people like different things. Some people simply enjoy exploring something new, while others enjoy the escape from reality. Others crave the trust and intimacy that comes from sharing a BDSM experience with a partner. Research even suggests that BDSM might benefit health and improve relationships by increasing communication skills, deepening trust between partners, and providing a safe outlet for exploring hidden desires together. Recent studies have also looked into the appeal of BDSM and submissive roles enjoyed by people in high positions of power.

What does BDSM stand for?

Bondage/Discipline

This category includes bondage acts involving restraint play (being tied up, cuffed, the Japanese art of shibari, etc.), edging or orgasm denial, and impact play (spanking, flogging, caning, etc.) and can have a ‘training’ element to them, such as teaching your partner how to please you and rewarding or punishing obedience and disobedience accordingly.

‘Discipline’ can mean different things to different people and can range anywhere from devising a set of rules partners follow during a scene to using a gag on a submissive as preemptive punishment to prevent them from talking back to the partner in charge. Depending on the submissive partner and how eager they are to please through obedience, as well as how strict the Dominant is, there may be no need for punishment, though punishment is not always a negative thing to be avoided. For example, in the case of a BDSM brat (a type of submissive who delights in deliberately disobeying their Dominant in a playful way), being ‘punished’ with spankings, degrading acts, and rough sex is often part of the fun!

Domination/Submission

This involves a partner being subservient to another, which can take many forms, sexually and non-sexually. For example, some submissives enjoy completing domestic household duties for their Dominant partners, or even acting as human furniture (a kink known as forniphilia) in order to please them. It is possible to enjoy being both dominant and submissive, which is known in the BDSM community as being a ‘switch’. Being a switch doesn’t have to be a 50/50 split if you prefer one over the other but still find pleasure in both.

In any Dom/sub interaction or relationship, it is important to remember regardless of what is being played out or what it may look like to an outsider, these relationships should always follow one another's boundaries and ensure both parties feel satisfied and safe. Many Dominants take on a caring, nurturing role with their subs, and the person who is being pleasured is not always the one in control (e.g. a Dominant may restrain their submissive in a vulnerable position that leaves them deliciously helpless as their Dom performs oral sex on them), so there’s plenty of flexibility within D/s relationships to suit however you and your partner like to play!

Sadism/Masochism

This category involves one person (the sadist) enjoying inflicting pain (physical and/or emotional) on the other (the masochist) who gains an exciting rush or sense of ‘release’ from it.

Humiliation and degradation can be associated with this category as well, though it’s not always necessary if one or both partners is not interested in it. It is possible for the masochist to be the dominant partner and vice versa, so don’t worry too much if you think your interests clash with ‘traditional’ ideas of what role you should be taking on.

BDSM aftercare

After all types of BDSM play, it is important to engage in aftercare, a process where all partners remove themselves from the scene (and the headspace), drop any personality traits or characters they only take on during play, and provide a positive, comforting presence for each other as they return to life outside of kinky fun. Aftercare is an important part of providing a sense of closure on a scene (especially if the scene was physically and/or emotionally intense) and is widely considered a non-negotiable post-play activity for being a good Dominant within the kink community. Aftercare can involve reaffirming consent and boundaries, discussing what you did and didn’t like about the scene, complimenting each other’s performance, cuddling and massaging each other, and whatever else you like to recover from a scene.

How does BDSM work?

BDSM relationships can look different for every person, but regardless of whether you and your play partner are married, FWB (friends with benefits), or just together for the purposes of BDSM fun and nothing more, responsible and safe play is essential for all parties involved.

If possible, build a solid foundation of trust, comfort, and feeling safe with each other before embarking on a sex-ploration journey together, and always have a frank conversation about expectations, desires, and limits before you start. It’s also essential to have your safewords ready to go so you can easily signal you want the scene to stop whenever you want. Make sure you have both verbal and non-verbal safewords (such as jangling a set of keys) in case your scene involves being gagged or restrained.

There are several safety systems within the kink community (with varying degrees of specificity in how they address risk) that ensure everyone is having a good time and nobody is being hurt outside of what they’ve consented to. No one system is ‘right’ — if you find that one works particularly well for you, then that’s the right one for you to engage with. 

SSC (Safe, Sane & Consensual)

This is the original system that keeps kinky play on the right track in terms of ensuring everyone is having a good time and not being hurt (outside of what they have consented to). People who follow SSC ask themselves three questions:

• Safe — is what I’m about to do safe?
• Sane — is it a rational thing to do?
• Consensual — does everyone involved in the scene actively consent to being a part of it (as in, has consent been explicitly given and not just implied)?

Obviously, in order for SSC to work, all partners have to already agree on what they consider ‘safe’ and ‘sane’. If your opinions turn out to be different, the ambiguity can lead to confusion, which is where good communication is especially important as it can help to bridge the gap.

RACK (Risk-Aware Consensual Kink)

This system was created as a response to members of the kink community who felt SSC was too vague — after all, one person’s ‘sane’ could be another’s ‘totally irrational’. RACK lays everything out in a checklist that’s more specific:

• Risk-Aware — are you aware of the risks involved in what you are about to do? Can you name the risks? What strategies do you have in place to prevent or avoid them?
• Consensual — does everyone actively consent to what’s about to happen/is currently happening? Is everybody able to affirm consent from their partner/s when necessary?
• Kink — do you understand exactly what event/activity is about to take place in the scene?

By confirming you understand all the things on the RACK checklist, all partners can proceed with confidence knowing that everyone truly is on the same page, trusting that everybody knows what they’re doing and will speak up if they are uncomfortable at any point.

PRICK (Personal Responsibility, Informed, Consensual Kink)

This system came about to remind all BDSM players that they need to take personal responsibility for their kinks and take it upon themselves to be informed. One must understand what they are about to do to someone or have done to them, risks and all. The idea is that taking personal responsibility for yourself and being informed is the only way to have truly consensual kink, because saying ‘yes’ to something you don’t fully understand is not consent.

Whichever system you end up subscribing to, don’t think of consent as something to get out of the way before getting to ‘the good stuff’. Negotiating desires and expectations can be an exciting way to build anticipation and connect deeply before play starts, as well as get a much better idea of how to please each other!

What are BDSM sex toys?

BDSM toys are anything used to cater to your kinky desires, and though there are staples that are pretty much only ever used during BDSM scenes like restraints and spanking paddles, even more vanilla adult toys like vibrators and anal plugs can be part of BDSM play depending on how they’re used. You can buy BDSM sex toys at reputable adult stores like Sexyland where you can always consult our friendly Fun Specialists for their advice on how best to use them, either in person at our adult shops or via Live Chat if you’re shopping Sexyland’s BDSM toys collection online!